Ever felt guilty or that you are a bad parent for wanting a full night’s sleep?
Here’s the truth: waking multiple times a night might be biologically normal for your child but this does not mean it’s healthy for you or your child. It certainly doesn’t mean you need to endure weeks, months or even years of broken sleep. Part of healthy sleep for children means uninterrupted, solid stretches of sleep which is attainable for most children. And as a parent, you have a lot more influence on your child’s sleep than you think! The fact is, choosing to work on better sleep for your family is actually one of the most loving and nurturing things you can do as a parent.
The Problem With Biologically Normal Sleep Advice
When parents reach out for help and are shut down with ‘biologically normal’ comments, it can feel dismissive and unhelpful. Such comments often come at a time when parents are already running on empty.
Of course babies and toddlers wake at night. It’s part of their biological makeup. Newborns are especially ‘wired’ to wake frequently at night which is to be expected. But here’s the key:
Just because waking is ‘biologically normal’, it does NOT mean that:
❌ You have to accept constant night waking as your family’s reality.
❌ Your child is incapable of learning to sleep for longer stretches.
The truth is:
✅ Your child can learn to sleep for longer stretches.
Why Children Wake at Night
All humans: babies, children and adults alike, naturally stir or wake during the night. It’s part of their circadian rhythm and cycling through sleep. The difference is that as adults, we’ve typically learned to resettle ourselves back to sleep so quickly that we barely even notice. By morning, we often don’t even remember waking at all. This is not because our bodies are different from our children’s, it’s just that we’ve practiced resettling so many times that it’s become automatic. We’ve learned to resettle back to sleep. Children may not yet have developed this skill but with practice, they can. Resettling is learned behaviour, not luck.
A Helpful Comparison
Consider another biological function: eating. The human body is biologically programmed to need food and to eat when hungry. As parents, we can’t control whether or not our child eats at any given moment but we do know that they will eat something when they are hungry enough. Just like we have influence over our children’s sleep, what we can do as parents, is influence our children’s eating habits. We can control what foods we offer, when we serve meals and how to eat using utensils. Over time and with practice and guidance, our children not only meet their biological need to eat but they develop their own food preferences as well as skills related to eating.
This principle can apply to sleep which we know is also a biological need. We know that children will eventually ‘crash’ and go to sleep when their little bodies are exhausted but we can’t make them sleep. What parents can do however, is influence their child’s sleep patterns by shaping routines and creating an environment that supports longer stretches of sleep.
In any case, it isn’t about ‘going against biology, it’s about working with biology. Just as children learn to feed themselves when they’re ready, when given the opportunity and the chance to practice, they can also learn to resettle themselves when they wake at night.
Key Takeaways for Tired Parents
‘Biologically normal’ might explain why children wake, but it does not mean you have to suffer through sleepless nights.
Teaching the skill of self-settling isn’t about ignoring biology. On the contrary, it’s about working with it. It’s about honouring your child’s needs whilst guiding them toward healthy sleep habits that benefit the whole family. With time, patience and the right support, your child can learn the skills they need to sleep independently and to sleep through the night.second
Ready for a Full Night’s Sleep?
You don’t have to keep second guessing yourself and struggling on your own.
As a parent educator and sleep consultant, Tori helps families create healthy sleep habits using calm, connection-based strategies that work.
To start your journey toward better sleep – for your child, and for your whole family, reach out to Tori here: hello@leadthewayparenting.com.au
